South Africa welcomes criminals!

 South Africa welcomes criminals!

South Africa welcomes alternative entrepreneurs (known in SA as tenderpreneurs)! It has everything to offer the business person. And while you make deals, expand your business and pay off liaise with government officials, SA Police Service and National Prosecuting Authority who are only willing to help, you can take in some of world's best scenery and fine dining. 

First, the Mother City, (crime) capital of the country where you should feel at home.

After landing at Cape Town International Airport, judged among the world's best for luggage pilfering, for a small fee - Dubai account provided or cash in foreign currency (not local rand which is almost worthless) - you can have a police "blue light" VIP escort. 

If you prefer to be incognito or drive yourself, Google Maps will lead you through black township Nyanga, where you will feel at home since it's has the city's worst crime rates. You might be stoned, stabbed, shot, hijacked or even killed, but you'll take this in your stride after Haiti and Afghanistan, although they don't offer the adrenal rush South Africa does.

Take the N2 freeway to the city centre and Waterfront. Note the shanties along the N2. The stones and rocks thrown from flyovers are residents' way of welcoming you. Be thankful you ordered additional insurance cover, though! 

If you opted for the blue light escort service, you'll get to your destination speedily as the convoy pushes aside slower moving traffic, or if any get in your way, the escort's drivers will pull them over and pistol whip them. No one can see you behind the tinted windows, so don't worry, your privacy is guaranteed.

A unique feature of SA are the minibus taxis. What's interesting is the rules of the road and physics don't apply to them. They travel at speeds greater than conditions allow and carry more passengers than they were designed for, weaving from lane to lane. You might notice motorists breaking hard to avoid collisions. But all is not what it seems. You won't see traffic police - or if you do, they're parked at the side of the road "testing" equipment - because they know SA's drivers are among the world's best and don't need monitoring. Here the road rules are only a guideline. 

Before your visit has even started you will experience why South Africa is such an exciting place to be for the enterprising criminal, I mean, business person!

Along the N2, just past the township of Langa and next to the overflowing sewerage plant, is the obsolete Athlone Power Station. It's a reminder to check if you packed your portable power bank - the country's power utility Eskom blesses SA with frequent blackouts, which is challenging for doing business. It reminds you of the few places on Earth where steady electricity is not available 24/7, for example, Wild Afghanistan where you traded with Taliban warlords for opium crops.

As you near Table Mountain that overlooks the city, the scenery changes from shanties - called "informal settlements" or "squatter camps" - and tiny bungalows in mean streets to greenery and spacious houses, many mansion-sized. As South Africans and foreign immigrants are finding, Cape Town is a good place to live with its beaches and Mediterranean lifestyle (it reminds one of Sicily or Tripoli!) or for a second home if you're ... too busy to meet with a Lyon-based authority who'd like to chat with you.

But if your background as an entrepreneur (tenderpreneur has a nicer ring though) has brought you attention from these agencies, don't worry, the ANC  government/governing party (GP) does not recognise them and welcomes friends and will never send you away, that is, arrest you on international warrants. For a fee, preferably cash anonymously (or not) placed in officials' sofas but bank transfers through dummy corporations will do, they will take legal action on your behalf in any jurisdiction you choose.

With the GP you can do business. They have extensive networks in all sectors to facilitate and help your business. Through their investment arm, they have investments in mining (coal), logistics (minibus taxis, coal), energy (Eskom, coal), contracting (protection, security, coal), wildlife (game farms - sofas, rhino and other endangered species, coal), fishing (rare, endangered delicacies) and farming (wine). 

Last but but not least, they have investments in listed companies through the exclusive financial vehicle, BEE: black [comrades in business] economic empowerment. Industry and business is so grateful it gifts them shares and board seats! South Africa's big and not so big banks fall over themselves to provide finance and respectable channels for the funds. 

Various options are available for GP's potential business partners: as share partner; client with them as subcontractor or agent, or as outright principle - the "Gupta" method. The last is very popular and cheap, a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label all it takes to get things moving. The governing party aggressively protects its, and if you partner with them, your investments. Very generous returns on investments are assured with little effort - you'll double, triple your investments in no time.

It would be helpful, though, to familiarise yourself with the language and culture of doing business with the ANC, I mean, in South Africa. The benefits of SA as an investment destination are extensive and will endure as long as you wish, even if you leave the country, your cash in safe hands. (South Africa does not cooperate with international agreements on money transfers which led to its totally unfair international grey listing for banks allegedly providing the channels to "launder money".)

As you continue on the N2 to the city centre and Waterfront, note the cluster of red-tiled buildings on the slope of Table Mountain. This is the University of Cape Town (UCT), SA's best university and where many of SA's finest minds studied. It faces the hinterland of Africa on land bequeathed it by Cecil John Rhodes. 

In 2016 a master's student, who loved studying so much it took longer than the one year to complete the degree, found international fame by decorating the Rhodes statue on campus with faeces, a prime example of art noveau. This event started movements that spread around the country that in its impacts cost, that is, generated alternative business of R1 billion (US$50 million). It will hearten you to know they used methods you would approve of, some of which you may use in your business: strong persuasion of recalcitrant individuals and expropriation and torching of assets. It would encourage you to know the government, including police and justice departments, condoned the righteousness of the movements and rewarded the participants.

Similarly, in July 2021 there was a movement in KZN province as citizens expressed their right to protest and affirmatively expropriate assets that did not belong to them. The alternative business amounted to R70 billion, that was welcomed by those involved. Similarly, government rewarded the actors, including members of the GP.

Likewise, they rewarded former president Jacob Zuma, who inspired the 2021 event, who was incarcerated, although only for a short time, for a misunderstanding by cancelling his unfair prosecution for simply facilitating a business transaction. His tenure as president brought the wonderful era for business from investors like you. You're welcome to contact the Gupta brothers for references in Dubai, Vanuatu or wherever they live in retirement. But don't let that Lyon agency know.

These incidents show how committed the government is to not letting anything stand in its way of business.

As your blue light convoy/hire car crosses the hump of Hospital Bend, named after the adjacent Groote Schuur Hospital (weekends are a glorious time for participants in your industry, just don't seek medical care there yourself as you're likely to walk out scathed from the indifferent attentions of healthcare workers who moonlight elsewhere), Table Bay lays before you.

You will notice how busy the harbour is from ships waiting to load or unload. Don't believe the malicious rumours it's because government's logistic company, Transnet, is dysfunctional. Any difficulties, and without admitting any, are due to international events - Red Sea, Gaza and Ukraine. And it's Israel's, the West's and apartheid's fault. 

But rest assured, for premier clients and business partners such as yourself, the GP makes arrangements for your logistic needs at Simon's Town Naval Base and airforce bases. Docking at night is preferred and optimal. As it happens, these are also the times the times radar stations are turned off for maintenance. The Navy's one semi-functional frigate will be on standby for escort duty, which happens to coincide with training exercises. Be sure to give at least 24 hours notice of arrival or departure so the navy can arrange training.

And so you arrive at your Cape Town destination. Your arrival is anticipated. Expect a welcoming phone call from the president once you've settled into your six star Waterfront hotel suite. This shall be followed, entirely at your convenience, by a personal visit. Have the US dollars - euro or GB sterling equivalent also acceptable - previously agreed upon, but no less than $1 million, to pay for the "bull" you had purchased unseen from his game farm Phala Phala (airport customs naturally did not search that suitcase, and even if they did, would not have seen the stacked bills). The transaction shall be made by a handshake. Documentation - invoices, foreign currency transactions and so on - is not required in South Africa. 

It's at your discretion if and when you wish to collect the "bull". You may recall an Egyptian associate also purchased one from the president, the cash held in the president's sofa for safekeeping. That animal was never collected, previous ones too.  But don't concern yourself with that, the president has an unlimited supply of bull.

Attractive though Cape Town is, it's not the only or best business opportunity. It's disadvantage is the Western Cape's ruling party DA is anti-business - taking an unnecessary firm stance with the minibus taxi and construction industry, to name two. This is not the environment for business. The government is challenging it politically and with its partners by direct protest action but results would not be immediate. 

Other regions of South Africa offer numerous business opportunities, particularly where Eskom power stations are located. The supply of goods and services, coal especially, is lucrative. The GP has partners in place throughout the supply chain to extract the most beneficial returns on investment, up to 1 000 percent. And because they were instrumental in the construction of two of the world's largest coal-fired stations, which unfortunately are not performing as designed because of contractor Hitachi's fault, they are perfectly placed to be a partner in this key industries - energy and coal - for many years to come. 

As you move around South Africa, you will see apparently hungry and desperate-looking people, many holding signs saying "unemployed, looking for work". Do not believe it, though, especially that SA allegedly has the highest unemployment in the world ahead of even Yemen, Gaza and Somalia, or that poverty is very high. 

There is work for anyone who wants it. The "media" and "statistics" do not take into account the thriving informal sector where many members of society work: the alternative entrepreneur economy. Here SA has among the best employment rates in the world as the indicators show. Incidentally, these people, many highly skilled, will happily join your organisation and do anything for a few rand.

International surveys, like the recently published one on tenderpreneurship, show SA is rising in the ranks, particularly since his excellency President Cyril Ramaphosa became president. If fact, it's the highest it's ever been. His deputy, Paul Matshitili, too is bearing the fruits of the new economy with multimillion rand homes in elite suburbs, all on a deputy's salary. This shows the wonderful opportunities that awaits you.

Expect to meet many members of the governing party - your new partners - during your stay, however long that may be. Absolutely whatever you desire, anything you can think of, is yours. The price is negotiable.

Enjoy your stay!

On a serious note, see my post on crime and SA's failing criminal justice system.